When I write in this space, I never really think about anyone reading it;
I just write because the words buzz around in my head,
getting increasingly noisy like bees about to swarm
and I just have to write them down.
There is no rhyme or reason, there is no plan, there is no agenda here,
just me and my laptop, quietly writing.
You could argue that I am writing for you,
because otherwise I would write a journal.
But the thing is you can add pictures and hyperlinks to a blog
and sometimes people read it and give you feedback.
It is interactive and I like it that too.
But at the time I sit and write, it is just because the words in my head
have got too loud.
It hasn't always been like this for me,
when I first started I just wanted to see if I could still think.
And then I guess I wanted to keep a record of things that I made.
But gradually the words have become the important thing
as I have learned to organise them and get them down.
The Internet is a funny place, full of people talking and showing off
bits of their lives. If you spend time on the Internet, it is easy to think
that everyone else has a better/more interesting life than you.
It's easy to feel your nobody status on the Internet,
because all the cool kids are doing all the cool stuff and you can feel left out.
These feelings are not a new thing to any of us just because of the Internet.
There has always been things for us to be envious of.
Here's an example for me (being honest here).
My baby sister is a better mother than I will ever be,
I look at her in wonder at the charming way she manages parenthood.
She does it with a grace and charm, I will never achieve.
I have a choice, I could choose to be jealous
or I can choose to enjoy watching her be an amazing mum.
If I choose jealousy, I will hurt myself,
If I choose to enjoy, I open my heart to the opportunity for joy.
It's the same thing with the Internet.
We can choose to be jealous, letting bitterness creep into our hearts
because we are not one of the cool kids.
Or we can choose to enjoy the bits that people share of their lives,
understanding that it is not the whole story,
but just the bits they are sharing with us
and we can be glad for them for the good things they are enjoying.
I'm not saying this is easy. It can be big things,
like for me when twice a year all the cool kids go off to the US
for Quilt Market and it is hard not to be eaten up with jealousy.
Or it can be little things like someone who gets to go out for dinner
and post a picture on Instagram when you are screaming at your own kids
to "go off to bed right now why don't you".
Yes the Internet is a big place and it's easy to get lost in there.
But the thing is, it's not reality.
The only person who can make you feel bad is you.
You get to choose whether to be content with where you are at,
or you can choose to look around you and be eaten up with envy
at those who you perceive are better off than you.
The reality is, everyone is walking their own journey
and nobody has a completely charmed path.
All of us go through good times and then some completely shitty times.
Life is hard, choose joy anyway.